... will make a hard man humble. Or was it, one sick traveler will cause you to check into a swanky hotel to recover? Wouldn't you know that my earliest memory of Bangkok comes from a pop-song from the eighties? Now, for the life of me, I can't remember if it was Falco or Taco that sang the song referenced above. Taco sang the song "Puttin' on the Ritz," but Susanne thinks that's completely different. (See Note Below)

Somewhere in here is a story about us getting stuck in Bangkok longer than we had originally planned. The truth is that I really like Bangkok. With all her smells, noises, pollution, tuk-tuks, touts, scams and corruption, she still exudes a charm like no other city in the world. The second you step off the plane, and with that first breath of air, you know you're in Bangkok. This, of course, is followed by a series of coughs and a few seconds searching for something to cover your mouth with. But damn it, I love her and she will always hold a special place in my heart.

As mentioned in previous journals, Susanne has come down with a bit of a cold. Doctors should come up with a better name for "the common cold" when a person in a tropical climate. It's not caused by cold, nor do you feel particularly cold when it's 90 degrees and humid outside. Might I also suggest pharmacies and convenience stores in South East Asia start to carry something other than "brown tonic" for treating a cough. I'm not even kidding you about the name. Brown Tonic, the wonder medicine from 7-11, has a derivative of opium as one of the main active ingredients. It reminded me of Vic's VapoRub, which a former Proctor & Gamble insider once referred to as "snake oil" with "no medical properties."

With Susanne sick, we had no other choice than to stay put for a few days and see if she would recover. We caught a direct flight from Krabi to Bangkok just before New Year's Eve. Apparently, New Year's is a time when Bangkok residents head to the provinces to vacation and visit with family. We thought this would leave Bangkok empty and free for us to explore. What we didn't know is that New Year's is also a time when every damn hotel in Bangkok fills up to capacity. Almost every hotel we tried to call (using the public phones in Bangkok is a different journal entry all together) said they were completely booked up. I wasn't sure if "booked up" really meant, "yeah, we're pretty busy and I don't feel like adding any more work to my day," or if it meant they were truly fully booked. Either definition meant that we were stuck with very few options, added to which were compulsory gala dinner charges from the hotels for New Year's Eve. That's the nice way of saying each person would have to pay an extra $30 if you stayed at the hotel that night.

We tried our luck at the airport reservation counter and ended up staying at the Narai Hotel in an area of Bangkok we knew pretty well. The room was a little expensive (US$60) for what we got - a non-smoking room that apparently doubled as a cigar bar and speakeasy when we weren't there. With a sinus infection setting in, this made it very difficult to enter the "getting better" stage of Susanne's illness. Instead, we entered the "let's move to a different hotel stage."

We decided on the "Grand Diamond," which was across from a market our guidebook said contained a "garment district," as in clothing ... women's clothing. True to her form, Bangkok did not disappoint when it came to the market. The complex was massive -- sprawling for blocks in every direction, going several stories high, containing thousands of tiny shops featuring both retail and wholesale ready-to-wear clothing. Shoes, hats, belts, jeans, underwear, dress-skirts for 100 Baht ($2.32), linen shirts were 2 for a 100. If shopping were made a religion for women, this would be their Mecca. Every woman would make an annual pilgrimage to the market to buy a year's worth of clothing, saving thousands of dollars a year in wardrobe fees alone.

In all, we spent four days in Bangkok this time. We shopped, we ate, and we saw some temples. Most importantly, we left.

After those four days we got to the breaking point where we couldn't take the scams and dishonesty anymore. None of the shops have fixed prices, meaning that everything you buy becomes a battle of negotiating power. The prices are set based on how much the vendor thinks you will spend. Typically the prices first offered are 300% too high. Many tourists make the mistake of not wanting to bargain over prices and simply agree to a slightly reduced first price. I, on the other hand, am offended when shop owners try to play this little game. It might be different if they weren't selling counterfeit goods that mysteriously fall off the backs of trucks. As it turns out, they are fake goods and the shop owners are only trying to play a confidence game. They will give you every story possible. Here are a few key phrases and their translations:

PHRASE: "This hand made stitching. Top quality. Very expensive."
TRANSLATION: "You should pay more for this sweat-shop made item. But when you do buy it, I will pull another one out of a pile that is already wrapped in plastic. This version of the shirt will be two sizes smaller and look nothing like the one hung at my stall."

PHRASE: "This very good fabric."
TRANSLATION: "This material will burst into flames if it reaches a temperature above 95 degrees. By good fabric I mean that it will act as a good fire-starter."

PHRASE: "100% cotton"
TRANSLATION: "It looks like cotton if you stand really far away."

PHRASE: "Master copy of DVD."
TRANSLATION: "At one point, some guy named Sopong in the Phillipines had a master copy of this movie. This version, on the other hand, came from a beta-cam propped up in a Bangkok theatre last week. If you squint really hard you can make out some of the faces in the movie."

PHRASE: "I give you special price."
TRANSLATION: "You'll pay exactly what I tell you to pay. The special price is twice what you should pay, but less than the Japanese tourists pay me."

PHRASE: "Ping-Pong Show"
TRANSLATION: "Yes, a ping-pong is present during the show. However, there are no paddles and no score is kept."

PHRASE: "Thai Massage"
TRANSLATION: "Brothel"

PHRASE: "Karaoke"
TRANSLATION: "Brothel"

PHRASE: "Hotel"
TRANSLATION: "Brothel"

PHRASE: "20 Baht. I'll take you anywhere."
TRANSLATION: "I'll take you anywhere as long as you don't mind stopping a few times to buy custom suits, gems, hookers or something else that will earn me a fat commission. I'll tell you it is government sponsored or that I'll get free gasoline. But in all honesty, I'm just trying to waste your time and rip you off."

PHRASE: "You need Tuk-Tuk?"
TRANSLATION: "You want me to take you to a custom suit shop?"

PHRASE: "Where you go?"
TRANSLATION: "Let me take you to a custom suit shop."

I tried to do some calculations the other day on how long I've spent in Bangkok over the past 13 months. This would include three separate trips and a few double-ups during each one. Quite a few was the answer I came up with. Enough to know the way the city operates, but also enough to know when it's a good time to leave. After five days and four nights, it was time for us to leave. This was reinforced by the fact that everyone seemed to work half-days around Bangkok during the holidays. And by holidays I mean the days between Sunday and Saturday. I think some places call them weekdays.

LYRICS UPDATE:

We were both wrong. And if I weren't on dialup right now I'd download the song and groove out for a bit. No worries, I'm sure I can find the CD someplace for a dollar.

Artist: Head Murray
Album: Unknown
Song: One Night in Bangkok

THE AMERICAN:
Bangkok, Oriental setting
And the city don't know that the city is getting
The creme de la creme of the chess world in a
Show with everything but Yul Brynner

Time flies - doesn't seem a minute
Since the Tirolean spa had the chess boys in it
All change - don't you know that when you
Play at this level there's no ordinary venue

It's Iceland... or the Philippines... or Hastings... or... or this place!

COMPANY:
One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky then the god's a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

THE AMERICAN:
One town's very like another
When your head's down over your pieces, brother

COMPANY:
It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To be looking at the board, not looking at the city

THE AMERICAN:
Whaddya mean? Ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town...

COMPANY:
Tea, girls, warm, sweet, sweet
Some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite

THE AMERICAN:
Get Thai'd! You're talking to a tourist
Whose every move's among the purest
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

COMPANY:
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

THE AMERICAN:
Siam's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of cerebral fitness
This grips me more than would a
Muddy old river or reclining Buddha

And thank God I'm only watching the game, controlling it

I don't see you guys rating
The kind of mate I'm contemplating
I'd let you watch, I would invite you
But the queens we use would not excite you

So you better go back to your bars, your temples, your massage parlours

COMPANY:
One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
A little flesh, a little history
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me